Russian Forces Flee After Gargantuan Carly Mazur Faithless Looting Begins its Advance
DONETSK, Ukraine — Russian forces reportedly fled in terror after Ukraine’s giant Mazur Faithless Looting began its slow advance into…
In Response to High Demand, Wizards of the Coast Ups Production of Secret Lair x Dungeons & Dragons to Twenty-Eight Whole Units
RENTON, W.A. — Amidst the surge in demand, described as “completely foreseeable by literally everyone,” Wizards of the Coast has…
Rizz Check: How the Ability to Concisely Explain Horsemanship Can Make You Instantly Fuckable
ST. PAUL, Minn. — A recent study suggests that a person’s desirability can be attributed directly to their ability to…
Money? Husband Clarifies Couple’s 401k Refers to the Number of Magic: The Gathering Cards in His Collection
PITTSBURGH, Pa. – Former husband, Mark Stevens made an off-hand comment about the couple’s finances during a recent therapy session…
“I Block With These Lands” and Other Ways to Finally Beat Your Little Cousins at Magic: The Gathering
GLENDALE, AZ – In a desperate bid to reclaim dominance at the family game table, local woman Dana Thompson has…
Second Dinner Announce Dan Hipp Variants Can Now Only Be Enjoyed Ironically
Marvel Snap developer, Second Dinner, announced today that all Dan Hipp variants available in-game are now objectively bad and can…
Relationship Red Flag: His Tapped Cards Are Never Sideways Enough
UPSTATE, N.Y. – Local woman Julie Carter has recently identified a new, potentially relationship-ending red flag: her new boyfriend’s irritating…
Move Over White: Wedding Guest Dressed in Colossal Dreadmaw Steals Spotlight from Bride
QUEENS, N.Y. – A Queens wedding took an unexpected turn when guest, Christina Miles arrived dressed in Colossal Dreadmaw, clearly…
Father Quick to Point Out Son’s New Girlfriend Dies To Doom Blade
QUEENS, N.Y. — Local man Mark Stevens rolled his eyes after his father, Magic: The Gathering boomer Todd Stevens, was…
So Long High Roll: Deck with Highest Secondary Market Value Now Plays First
In a move set to upend the time-worn tradition of a coin-flip to determine who plays first, Wizards of the…