Azusa, Lost but Seeking
No way this hippie even comes close with those slim-jim arms. Yeah, she’s lost but seeking an ass whooping if she ever steps to pops. He’ll take that floating ball of cotton out of her hands and make her a shirt that says “This Yeast Couldn’t Contain the Beast”
That boat on top of her head will get knocked clean off with the one, and only, punch needed to send her back to the command zone.
Odric, Master Tactician
Odric looks scared already, doesn’t he? Of course. He needs a posse of at least three to do anything. One-on-one he doesn’t stand a chance against the man who wears the pants.
Guess what, my dad has the high ground so put your fake ass lightsaber down before you get chopped up and end up costing six even though you’re already useless at four.
Talrand, Sky Summoner
Listen up, Little Mermaid. I just need to ask what a fish man needs with flying dragons? You live in the ocean, sir.
Also, what kind of dickhead summons a drake then chops its head off and wears it as a hat? What would you think if Cesar Milan showed up sporting a Cocker Spaniel as a toupée? You’d want to kick his ass, right? You better watch out because my dad is on Amazon.com right now, reading reviews for wetsuits.
Sun Quan, Lord of Wu
Those are some fancy beads, neckbeard of Wu. Who do you think you are with that yellow cape? You find a magic feather and want to fly off, like you’re in Super Mario World or something? Nah, Mario’s mustache puts whatever that shit is above your lips to shame.
My dad is coming to knock your ass off your horse to save that poor animal from having to carry around a pudgy doughboy everywhere.
Balan, Wandering Knight
Oh, you’re a cat? Sorry I thought you were a giant pumpkin with two arms and legs. What’s with you guys and capes anyway? Is that even a cape? Looks like you stole an orange doily from under a lamp on your grandma’s nightstand. The tassels make you look super tough.
Also, what kind of fashion sense is that? “You know what color would look good with orange fur? Orange!” My dad is a badge-wearing member of the fashion police and it’s high time for some brutality.