LAS VEGAS, Nev. — Shawn Billsworth felt an obligation to help his younger cousin, Ian Sarkin, with his newfound love of Magic: The Gathering. After a week or so, Sarkin returned the commander deck he borrowed from Billsworth, assuring him his cards sticking together were already like that when he borrowed them.
“We’ve all been at Ian’s awkward age,” said Billsworth, stretching powder-free latex gloves over his hands. “Not that it’s an excuse for . . . you know, messing up my stuff. But in a way I get it. It’s a confusing time in terms of logistics. No one really teaches you about . . . that, or what to do with it, which puts a lot of faith into an idiot teenage boy to make hygienic decisions. So where does it end up? In my Kiora commander deck, apparently.”
We approached Sarkin for comment, but only received furtive muttering before running into the bathroom and turning on the shower.
“He won’t be out for at least another forty-five minutes,” Sarkin’s mother told reporters. “The higher water bill isn’t ideal, but at least it gives us time to take care of . . . uh, other stuff around the house.” Sarkin’s mother removed a bag from Home Depot containing new paint rollers and a fresh bucket of paint before asking her husband to move Ian’s bed away from the wall. “Ian’s dad says it’s normal,” Sarkin’s mother said, shaking her head. “I just . . . don’t understand I guess.”
Child psychologist Dr. Matthew Williams expanded on the difficult time for adolescent males during their formative years.
“New studies have concluded that there is a certain proclivity… a, uh, blindness if you will, for things like toilet paper, paper towels, tissues, and so on. Everyone is familiar with the glistening sheen across the arm or sleeve during cold and flu season as a result of sliding one’s arm under a runny nose, even if a tissue is readily available. For whatever reason the child simply cannot fathom the idea of using any paper products relating to hygiene of any sort. To any of my colleagues remaining unconvinced of my findings I’ll remind them that tube socks aren’t made out of paper.”
In response to the growing concerns of Magic: The Gathering players with younger brothers or cousins, Dragon Shield now offers an anti-adolescent coating on their popular brand of sleeves and highly recommends that sealable inners are used in conjunction.