PITTSBURGH, Pa. – Former husband, Mark Stevens made an off-hand comment about the couple’s finances during a recent therapy session with wife, Emily Stevens. Stevens mentioned that the couple’s “401k” would soon be a 402k.
“His jokes always sucked,” said wife, Emily. “I asked what he meant, and Mark said his new Secret Lair X Monty Python would put him well over 402 thousand cards. I thought he took money out of our 401k to buy more of those stupid cards. Turns out we don’t even have a 401k and any time it was mentioned, he was referring to the number of MTG cards in his collection,” Emily said, still trying to process the news. “I assumed we were doing well financially. Turns out, we’re drowning in debt and cardboard.”
Mark, who has been quietly amassing cards for years, defended his interpretation of financial planning.
“I mean, these cards are an investment,” he explained. “Have you seen the price of a Black Lotus lately? I mean, I don’t have one. But look, in twenty years, our 401k cards could be worth way more than any traditional retirement fund. At least that’s what Dave Ramsay told me. Well not to me directly, but he said it to someone. I think.”
Despite her husband’s enthusiasm, Emily was reportedly unconvinced, especially after discovering that their so-called “emergency fund” was actually just a deck box labeled “Slivers.”
“Of course I’m leaving him. It’s just not about the dissolution of trust. It’s not just about the egregious display of irresponsibility. It’s really about the fact that he truly believed that a binder full of slightly bent Urza lands could one day pay for our retirement. I can’t believe this man was ever inside me.”
At time of press, Emily’s divorce attorney advised against going after the house. As it turns out that too was made entirely of Magic: The Gathering cards.