QUEENS, N.Y. — Local man Mark Stevens rolled his eyes after his father, Magic: The Gathering boomer Todd Stevens, was quick to point out that his new girlfriend “dies to Doom Blade.”
“He says that about every girl I bring home,” said Stevens. “I know it’s coming from a place of caring. He wants the best for me but it’s clear he’s looking for any reason to hate them. I know, I know, he comes from a different generation of block sets and playable bears. It doesn’t make him any less embarrassing.”
Stevens was quick to defend his new girlfriend, Emily Bishop.
“Dad, come on. Who cares if she dies to Doom Blade. You married Mom and she has a cumulative upkeep of 2. You never shut up about how miserable you are. Can’t you just be happy for me? How do you think Emily feels when you keep reminding her she’s not indestructible? Like you’re one to talk. Are you indestructible, Dad? Are you?! No one even uses Doom Blade anymore, you miserable fart. It’s Deadly Rollick now, but it’s not like you’d know that since you refuse to even try Commander.”
Stevens’ Father, in true boomer fashion, leaned into his criticism.
“Commander is a fad! And what do you expect me to think? Hmm? You don’t think I see her influence on you? Single sleeves on your cards, Mark? Since when do you play lands in front of your creatures? Your Mother and I taught you better than this. Do you know how many triggers you missed so far tonight? And we haven’t even served dessert! I didn’t want to say it, but she’s a token, Mark. You bring a token into this house and expect me to … what? Live my life knowing my son is a bounce spell away from heartbreak? I’ve seen enough of her kind up and vanish. Poof! Just like that, she’s gone.”
At time of press, the new couple was seen leaving the parent’s residence. Mark paused at the door before heading out, saying, “Maybe one day you’ll learn that sometimes you have to play the hand you’re dealt. Sometimes you have to look past the faults and just trust that it will lead to something good. Come on, Emily, I need to trade in some cards I just bought for store credit.”