Bob Phillips was set to receive care from Marvel Snap’s new free healthcare system to treat his soon-to-rupture appendix. While the procedure is simple, the 1-in-4 chance of undergoing the correct surgery left the patient feeling cheated.
“Here at Marvel Snap healthcare, we want all patients to experience an equal level of frustration regardless of income. Our ambiguous method of dispensing treatment ensures no one is guaranteed to survive, even if they can afford it. What fun is it if everyone can access exactly what they need when they need it? Patients may say that’s what they want, but we know better.”
Phillips’ wife was informed that the surgery would have gone a lot smoother if Bob had used four spotlight keys instead of one.
“He knew the odds going into it,” said Dr. Larkin. “Everyone knows you shouldn’t even bother improving your life until you have four keys. Mr. Phillips’ appendix is still in there, all because he ended up with a colonoscopy rather than the appendectomy he desperately needs. It’s a mistake new patients often make. They should pay heed to the redditors commenting about how badly they fucked up for not understanding how our convoluted system works.”
In addition to the company’s inherently confusing method of choosing treatment, issues with care have been widely reported within the last several weeks as well.
“Not only did they do the wrong procedure, but apparently there’s an issue where doctors can’t finish the final phases of any task. They left my husband in the room with a colonoscope up his butt for days. As of today, he’s still in there and we’re told there’s nothing we can do until the problem is fixed. When asked when that might happen, we were told the $100 bundles in the gift shop still work fine.”
Phillips tried calling Second Dinner’s support line but was told to use the discord and hope someone from the company ends up seeing her posts. After a few weeks of spamming the support-bugs channel someone from Second Dinner got back to the couple with an AI-generated apology and a gold ticket.