In a bold move that’s left many scratching their heads, a Republican candidate for the 2024 presidential race has unveiled their primary campaign promise: to make running for exercise “weird again.” This unconventional platform aims to restore the good old days when running was reserved for being chased by wild animals or late for work, not for health.
“Remember the times when you saw someone running and thought, ‘What are they running from?’ We want to bring that back,” declared the candidate, who has been seen only walking briskly at campaign events.
Critics argue that the policy is a step backward in public health, but the campaign team insists it’s a stride towards traditional values. “Our ancestors didn’t run for fun. They ran because they had to. This whole ‘running for health’ is a modern fad that undermines our heritage,” explained the candidate’s chief strategist, while adjusting his belt over a significantly sedentary belly.
The campaign, branded with the slogan “Make America Walk Again,” proposes legislation that would make recreational running a cause for public concern. “If you’re running without being in immediate danger or late for a meeting, you’re part of the problem,” the candidate stated at a recent rally, where supporters walked laps around the venue to show solidarity.
Fitness enthusiasts are baffled. “I just run to stay healthy,” said local marathoner, Jenny Fastfeet. “Now I’m worried people will think I’ve stolen something or I’m being chased by a bear.”
The policy has also sparked a surge in sales of ‘suspiciously casual’ jogging attire, designed to make runners look less like athletes and more like someone hastily escaping an awkward situation.
In a surprising twist, the campaign has gained unexpected support from the bear community. “We fully endorse this policy,” growled a spokesperson for Bears United. “It’s been too easy lately. We miss the challenge.”
As the election approaches, the candidate’s message is clear: running should be reserved for emergencies and uncomfortable social encounters. Whether this policy will gain traction or simply jog in place remains to be seen, but one thing is certain – the race for the presidency just got a little weirder.