Monday, October 13th, Wizards of the Coast unveiled its latest Magic: The Gathering product. Traditional Set and Draft Boosters will soon be replaced by new “Play Boosters” which give players a chance to open pair of arms that literally hold players upside down to shake the money from their pockets.
“Here at Wizards, we value innovation and directness,” declared WotC’s Director of Revenue Optimization, Penny Howard. During the announcement an example of the arms contained within Play Boosters were revealed, each emblazoned with the MTG logo and making the “jerky-jerky” motion at reporters critical of the switch. “With the launch of Play Boosters,” Howard continued, “we’re continuing our longstanding commitment to bludgeoning revenue out our of our players as if they were cash-filled piñatas at a quinceañera. Ultimately, our hope is that our players’ wallets are going to be in more pain than Uncle Rico after that nut-shot from a bat-wielding, blindfolded toddler.”
Wizard’s of the Coast clarified the reason for replacing Set and Draft Boosters with the new Play Booster .
“Booster packs needed more of the good stuff, so we created Set Boosters to offer players better odds at opening the artificially scarce stuff,” said MTG’s Head of Design and last remaining person on Tumblr, Mark Rosewater. “Unfortunately out of all the incredibly intelligent talent working at Wizards of the Coast, not one predicted customers would stop buying the packs containing less good stuff to save, like, eighty-seven cents. Things were getting so bad we were forced to resort to our ‘break in case of emergency’ box which contains instructions with Wizards of the Coast’s tried-and-true method: charging more money for the same number of cards.”
Though players aren’t eager for the aggressive new Play Boosters, many are putting the situation into perspective.
“People new to the game may be uncomfortable being grabbed by the ankles, but as someone who’s been playing for as long as I have, trust me when I say it’s preferrable when players used to grab their own ankles, if you know what I mean. I’ve been through a lot of Magic: The Gathering’s changes over the years, though a pricier booster pack guilty of racketeering and clearly named by throwing a dart at a My First 100 Words book wasn’t on my bingo list.”
