Yet another mainstay of the MTG influencer sphere has announced they plan on coaxing their legions of adoring fans into some fluffy, pliable toilet tissue, cited sources confused as to what toilet paper has to do with any of this.
“Traditionally, it made sense for me to hock things like card sleeves and deck boxes but times are tough. Now, I start my stream off with a makeup tutorial sponsored by L’Oréal using their line of quality beauty products,” said twitch.tv streamer MagicMaign, known for his astute deck-building and strategic gameplay. Later on in the stream he cleared the board and calmly stated, “This board wipe is brought to you by Charmin.”
Viewers were left blinking at their screens, trying to determine if this was a bizarre joke or a genuine sponsorship. Charmin clarified their position.
“We did a google search of relevant keywords. Turns out Magic: The Gathering has something called a board wipe and even though we have no idea what that is, we do know that people use our product to wipe. A partnership and massive sponsorship campaign was birthed right then and there. We got the idea when IHOP found MTG has something called a ‘stack’ and went ham on the pancake-related keyword.”
Like Hot Pockets, a line of MTG branded toilet paper is set to release, each featuring a different Planeswalker explaining why it’s their favorite.
“My diet is entirely plant based,” said Planeswalker Nissa Revane. “With so much fiber I’m constantly shitting, so having a supply of reliable toilet paper is a must. That’s why I always use Charmin’s line of ultra soft toilet paper. It’s the only toilet paper that doesn’t wreck my asshole due to the frequency of how much I’m wiping.”
Other sponsors are lining up, including various branches of the military who want to give players “their own Command Zone on the battlefield.”