DALLAS, Texas — Researchers determined the source of the fires plaguing Dallas residents in recent weeks: the massive, highly reflective 150-foot-tall foil Magic: The Gathering card standing on Main Street.
“While I’ve yet to read the study, I can assure you the findings of these so-called ‘researchers’—obvious corporate shills—are lies to further their agenda to rob our city of its beloved Magic: The Gathering card,” said Dallas Mayor Eric Johnson. “Some other city is clearly jealous and wants to be the new home of the world’s largest Magic: The Gathering card. These studies and outlandish claims are nothing more than a plot to rid our city of its culture.”
Despite Mayor Johnson’s position, the findings of an independent research group are in direct conflict with the claims coming out of the mayor’s office.
“Pardon my pun, but Mayor Johnson is blind to the truth,” said Dr. Milson Powers, Head Researcher at Powers Mills, Inc. “Whether he’s cognizant of his denial or not is irrelevant. The evidence is overwhelming, and our conclusion is quite easy to prove. Thermal imagine scans clearly show the gigantic foil card is causing the city’s outbreak of random fires and will continue to pose a danger to the community until the mayor comes to terms with the truth. In fact, the press conference he held in front of the card had six fires occur during his fifteen-minute speech alone but were edited out.”
When faced with facts, Mayor Johnson doubled down, citing Dallas’ woes are those faced by every city in America.
“Does anyone else think it’s really interesting that as soon as we get a gargantuan Magic card people suddenly blame all our problems on it? My office produced reports that show a Fire Department in every city in America. Do you know why? Because they all have fires. All of them. Do any of them have towering Magic cards featured in their skylines? Not even one. Next thing you know people are going to start blaming it for traffic. Dallas residents have been fine taking turns driving around it from both directions. I’ve blocked all the people who have stated otherwise which legally means their opinions don’t matter.”
In related news, political opponents are planning to bring a 150-foot-tall copy of Act of Authority to exile Monastery Siege, though some claim buying more Magic cards isn’t going to solve the problem.