With COVID infections on the rise, the CDC is recommending a return of early-era precautions to prevent infection. Among those is the recommendation to sing “Happy Birthday” twice while washing off the putrid stench of shame after going 0-3 at Friday Night Magic.
“Yes, I’m sure we’re all expecting plenty of jokes about Magic: The Gathering players washing themselves,” said Dr. Stan Grueber. “This isn’t that. We’re merely pointing out that Friday Night Magic is a perfect example of an event where spreading COVID is highly likely due to player’s proximity and passing cards back and forth. As such, hygiene is of the utmost importance. And though mask mandates haven’t returned, we do recommend them otherwise you may spend the evening under attack by fetid onions and swamp ass. Oops! Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
Dr. Grueber expanded on best practices not only for physical health, but also mental wellbeing.
“Further, as important as physical health and preventing the spread of COVID is, we’re also learning of the impact the virus has had on mental health. Returning home after FNM as an abject failure—especially since players often make Magic: The Gathering their whole-ass personality—can be very difficult to sort out. The physical act of a hot shower after Friday Night Magic allows players to cleanse the shame of their abysmal 0-3 performance that entombs the soul like a strawberry dipped in chocolate humiliation.”
Dr. Grueber then went on to illustrate practical ways to optimize these best practices.
“Realistically we expect the definition of ‘shower’ to differ greatly among Magic: The Gathering players, so we recommend actually using soap on all parts of the body, instead of just face, ass, and armpits, then expecting soapy water running over the rest of your body to clean everything else. By singing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice while washing you’re ensuring a proper wash to fully cleanse yourself of the sticky film of disgrace.”
Among other recommendations, experts also encourage commander players to force those running Collector Ouphe to stay at home and shelter in place.