Local conman Laurence Matson became overjoyed after the latest federal indictment to come into his possession ended up being of the ultra-rare, borderless holo-foil variety.
“It’s something you hear rumors about. People claim they exist, but I’ve never seen one in person before today. Most holo-foil indictments you see online are fake as shit. But when I got served this morning, I couldn’t help but screech like a barn owl when I opened my latest indictment. I went and washed my hands the moment I saw the top edge of the page shining.”
Matson explained the distinction and why it’s important.
“People keep asking why I care if an indictment is shiny or not. It’s an indictment either way, right? In a way they’re correct. It’s just words on paper. But you know what’s better than words on paper? Words on shiny paper. Look, I may be a criminal mastermind, but I still appreciate the simple things in life. Don’t tell me you don’t get a little chubby when you get an extra chicken nugget in your six-piece. You know why bag fries taste so good? Because they’re not in the fry-cup container so your brain believes you’re getting something extra. I’ve ended relationships with people who don’t respect bag-fry ownership and I’m a thief!”
Though exciting for sure, its appearance further complicated things by raising more questions.
“I was surprised to learn that legal document-sized top loaders exist, so I bought one. I’m getting it graded too since, if it’s above a 9, it’ll increase its value over what I paid to get it graded. The trouble is resisting the urge to sell it. Part of me wants the money. You know, court isn’t free. But the fact that I have something rare and unique makes it sort of sentimental, even though it details my, uh, supposed theft of a large pallet of cards.”
At time of press, Matson was spotted wearing his 9.5 graded holo-foil indictment on a chain around his neck when entering federal court.