SPACE — A brand new character created in Bethesda’s latest RPG, Starfield, ended up as a stealth archer, despite every intention of not doing so at the outset, said sources confused as to how that could even happen.
“I had every intention of going Space Pirate for my run,” said Will Johnson, 24. “Everything was going as expected. I chose Space Scoundrel and looked up every guide possible to best optimize my character for disabling and boarding unsuspecting travelers. My “yarr” had been practiced to perfection, and my eyepatch was enroute via my Amazon driver. But after about forty hours or so I ended up creeping through the dark, one-shotting people who were seemingly unconcerned about the person next to them suddenly lying on the ground with an arrow stuck in their head.”
Johnson reported the choice wasn’t his, exactly.
“I’m not even sure when it happened. After a while you just start adding traits that sound cool and using the best weapons in the game. Somehow the combination always leads you back to the same place, Stealth Archer. Maybe it’s because when you use stealth you add a layer to combat thereby making it more engaging. Or maybe I just have a thing for wearing the tightest, blackest armor you can find.”
Bethesda issued the following statement in response to the confusion.
“It’s weird to start getting this feedback since that character archetype isn’t even in the game,” said Bethesda spokesperson Mila Hinger. “I suppose it’s one of those inevitabilities you simply cannot avoid like Breezehome filled with cheese wheels. We’re not too worried about it. Our main goal is to ensure the player has as much fun as possible, while planting the seed so players become hoarders in their golden years.”
At time of press, players reported running into Lydia who sported a fresh set of contextual dialogue even more patronizing than before.