SWAMP — A pleasantly full Gurmag Angler reported its newfound success in luring delicious prey was due to its promise of a livable wage.
“It’s an old idiom among us fish that ‘Every angler needs an angle.’ Some of us lure dinner using bioluminescence. I mean, who can resist pretty lights, right? Some of us perfected the art of simulating an injured fish. Takes years of practice to do it just right, especially when dinner can see your giant open mouth right behind it. Me? I found my angle by offering a livable wage with health care, vacation time, and retirement. I’ve never eaten so well.”
Friends of Gurmag Angler’s victims recall the deceased’s final moments.
“Barry was so sure,” sobbed Alicia Locker, 24. “I kept telling him that’s not a livable wage, that’s a giant fish with its mouth open and it’s trying to eat you. Barry was . . . well, Barry. Stubborn to the very end. He waltzed right up to that fish, eyes brimming with visions of a roof and food. He kept saying, ‘Imagine getting sick, and still having a place to live when you get better!’ I kept telling him that the fish was a liar. But he didn’t listen. Even when those sharp teeth impaled his soft flesh, he still held onto hope saying that ‘This onboarding process sure is weird.’ Oh, Barry. Even now I still hear echoes from the belly of the beast. I know it’s probably just the wind, but if you listen closely, you can hear him say ‘This is still better than minimum waaage.’ I suppose he’s got a point.”
With an offer so tempting, even eye-witnesses of people being consumed by the angler were not dissuaded from trying.
“I’m thinking it might be different for me,” said David Rhodes, 32. “Maybe this is sort of a job interview. Maybe it only eats people who aren’t right for the position. How can any of us claim to understand the mysterious inner workings of fish-related employment? Have you ever worked for a fish before? No? Then what do you know? What do any of us know? I’m gonna go for it.”
Though a baffling number of people were eaten, word of the scam eventually slowed traffic into the angler’s belly. To compensate Gurmag Angler is now posing as a mortgage lender willing to give a home loan to millennials who make under $50k.