WASHINGTON, D.C. — President-elect Donald Trump announced today the appointment of Yawgmoth as Surgeon General of the United States.
Yawgmoth, known as the “Lord of the Wastes” and the progenitor of the Phyrexian race, is infamous for his radical and often malevolent approach to medicine and biology. Originally a human physician in the ancient Thran Empire, he became notorious for his controversial methods before ascending to godhood and leading the Phyrexians in their conquest of Dominaria, so it’s not surprising President-elect Trump tapped him to oversee American’s health.
“Yawgmoth’s innovative methods in dealing with complex biological issues are exactly what this country needs,” President-elect Trump stated during the announcement. “His experience in transforming biologics into artificial, unthinking subservient monsters aligns with our vision for a healthier America.”
The appointment has sparked a flurry of reactions across various communities, though Trump voters are supportive.
“Yawgmoth’s history of unethical experiments and his role in catastrophic events coupled with penchant for widespread corruption and destruction will own the libs. Hard. Replacing this weak biological form with advanced Phyrexian artifice was on the ballot this election and the American public made their voices heard. You could say Trump compleats me.”
As usual, the voices of reason were left dumbfounded by the news.
“I would say that this is an objectively terrible decision by every conceivable metric, but I’m pretty sure that’s Trump’s White House’s motto. Turns out most of Europe has access to Magic: The Gathering cards so we’re just gonna move instead.”
As public health officials struggle to comprehend a Surgeon General who considers “Plague as Progress,” Americans are left wondering what kind of transformation is in store for the nation—if we even survive it.