Let’s face it: Magic: The Gathering has all the components of a great American sport—it’s competitive, strategic, expensive, and boasts an incredibly loyal fanbase. So why hasn’t MTG cracked into mainstream America like football or baseball? After a deep dive into the culture of successful sports, I believe the answer is simple: MTG just needs a touch more brobaggery—namely, a bit of congratulatory ass slapping.
Now, stay with me. Imagine this: a high-stakes MTG match, two players top-decking. One of them finally pulls off something, utterly decimating the other. Nothing says “good game” better than a hearty smack on the rear. Opponent weirdly leans into it and the crowd goes wild. That’s the kind of energy MTG is missing. A little physical enthusiasm could transform the game into a spectator sport people actually watch.
“But MTG is an intellectual game.” I can hear the purists protesting. Sure, it’s a game of high strategy, but does that mean we can’t celebrate a brilliant play with a little camaraderie? We all know chess has its signature “loser gets their butthole-tickled” so it’s not completely unfounded for MTG players to partake in some kind of physical exuberance.
Of course, we’ll have to see if local game stores are open to making “sportsmanship spankings” part of the post-match ritual. There’s a fine line between conviviality and catching a case, so we’d need a majority of fans to buy-in to the practice. Maybe a few pre-game sessions to perfect the art of “supportive contact” to acclimate the MTG masses and establish the unspoken consent shared among bro ballers. But if we can get the community on board, I see a future where MTG is more than a card game. It could be a pastime for America—a card game with the grit and glory of a stadium sport.