VATICAN CITY — In what is being hailed as a “modern day miracle,” the Vatican released a statement Wednesday after reports surfaced of an exact amount of cash to purchase a booster box of MTG’s ‘Foundations’ materialized out of thin air for broke roommate, Bill Smith.
“I kid you not, man,” said Smith. “There I was, picking the lock to ‘Lex’s room, since, you know, he moved all his stuff in there and I was hungry, and this voice calls to me from above telling me it wants me to buy a bunch of packs of Foundations. I asked if I should buy a whole box and money just appeared under a bright white light. Exactly enough for a whole box. I was all like, fuck yeah, God. True story.”
Though Smith seems sincere about his experience, his roommates remain skeptical.
“I was pissed” said other roommate and blue mage, Alex Patterson. “Larry and I have been paying Bill’s share of the rent so we don’t get evicted. It wouldn’t be so bad, but he’s a dick. I found Bill eating my pizza rolls and instead of offering to reimburse me for them he asked if he could borrow twenty bucks for groceries. Then, he shows up later with a whole ass booster box of Foundations. Suddenly he has money? Of course, when Larry and I confronted him, he played stupid then said it was a ‘miracle from God’ or something.”
While Patterson quickly counted his hidden stash of cash, the proclamation of a religious miracle quickly gained the attention of the Vatican.
“It truly is remarkable,” Vatican spokesperson Monsignor Carlo Vitelli said. “One moment, this young man was expressing financial concerns, bemoaning his inability to afford even basic necessities. The Lord blesses those in need, which in this case appears to be a Foundations booster box… Still, it is a testament to the inexplicable power of faith. Amen. I have no qualms with proclaiming sick pulls from the divine as a modern-day miracle.”
Though removed from the lease at time of press, Smith promised to continue his spiritual journey of dubious financial decisions and consecrated cardboard.