PORTLAND, O.R. — Local Magic: The Gathering pro Jeremy Wells reportedly sprouted a vibrant plumage of Alpha basic lands upon sensing the presence of a potential mate in the vicinity of his local game store, Mana Mystique.
“Out of nowhere, this giant plumage of Alpha basics fanned out behind him like was a peacock,” said fellow player Sarah Collins. “I’ve seen people try to get laid by flaunting an expensive collection before but leave it to Jeremy to take it to the next level, like that time he brought a deck comprised of only Robo Rosewater cards to Commander night.”
The female, reportedly an avid fan of vintage formats herself, was clearly intrigued by the display.
“I found myself inexplicably drawn to him,” Collins admitted. “There’s something about those Alpha basics rattling as he strut side to side. For the first time I looked past his bad posture and frequent apologies for literally everything and saw his other amazing qualities. Suddenly, I knew I was in the presence of a prospective partner able to provide me with offspring who had serious potential for filming themselves playing commander while laughing way too much.”
The tension in the room escalated when another player entered, displaying a beautiful plumage comprised of the Power Nine.
“This kind of one-upmanship is exactly what you’d expect in a competitive environment,” noted the store owner, who was busily rearranging displays to capitalize on the sudden surge in interest for vintage cards. “Though the standoff between the two players was entertaining for a bit, the sudden outbreak of marine flatworm-style penis fencing required me to intervene.”
At time of press, the Mana Mystique barred all displays of plumage, returning romantic courtship at the LGS to its rightful place of never really happening at all.