BOISE, I.D. — In a heartwarming display of mentorship and community spirit, local Magic: The Gathering veteran Jake Phillips was reportedly seen regurgitating a partially digested starter deck into the mouth of a bewildered new player at local game store, The Cozy Nest.
“Jake’s always keen to help out the new players,” said local CCG enthusiast Carla Morris. “For me, the ideal approach to welcoming a newcomer to MTG is to be patient and answer questions. Play a few games to help them get the hang of it. Jake has a slightly different approach. I don’t pretend to know why regurgitated starter decks can teach the game. I just accept it. It’s how I picked up commander.”
The new player, Miles Donovan, had barely learned the difference between lands and spells before being taken aback by the veteran’s offering.
“It didn’t make sense at first. But Jake said ‘Look, I’m going to break it down for you so it’s easier to manage.’ I thought he was talking about the rules. That’s when he started eating the cards. The whole deck, right in front of me. I thought cardboard cards would be a lot chewier, but Jake noshed them down like they were pringles or something. That’s when he just ups and hurls into my mouth. Before I know it, I’m mad at Nadu and I don’t even own any cards yet.”
Wizards of the Coast explained the phenomenon.
“Through some wicked awesome bird science, we designed starter decks that, once blended and ingested, provide instant and complete understanding of Magic: The Gathering. Turns out birds have always been able to transfer information through food, which is why a lot of them are so smart. So, I guess you could say that if a bird shits on you, it’s droppin’ knowledge on ya. Hah! Either that, or its lineage despises you. In which case, watch out.”
In related news, Wizards of the Coast have hinted at a bit of the ol’ genetic engineering in the hopes of splicing the kangaroo’s pouch gene onto players for a safe natural way to store and transport decks.