DONETSK, Ukraine — Russian forces reportedly fled in terror after Ukraine’s giant Mazur Faithless Looting began its slow advance into enemy territory.
“One moment, we were holding the line, and the next, this… this ugly ass giant card appeared. We’ve faced artillery, drones, even tanks, but this? We weren’t prepared for this. I couldn’t look at it for more than five minutes before I began vomiting. Upon seeing me vomit the rest of the men vomited from seeing my vomit which made me vomit even more.”
As the giant card continued its advance, Ukrainian forces capitalized on the confusion, pushing forward and reclaiming key positions.
“It was like watching a force of nature,” said a Ukrainian soldier on the front lines. “The Russians were so terrified, they just ran. We didn’t even have to fire a shot. I don’t see the big deal. Yeah, the art is unorthodox, but it has its own unique style which, in my opinion, is refreshing.”
Military analysts discussed the event after speculation that the giant Mazur Faithless Looting was a psychological warfare tactic employed by Ukrainian forces.
“Zelensky saw how much his playset of Mazur’s Faithless Looting tilted his opponents,” said one expert. “Rather than focusing on the game, they kept making comments about the print. How bad it was and how it ‘isn’t MTG art’. He won a local 4k with ease. The idea was far-fetched, but in principle it was a sound tactic. If it worked in a single game, could it be scaled enough to have a substantial impact in the war. In the end, Zelensky was right. That man is a treasure.”
At press time, Russian officials were reportedly considering deploying a giant Soul-Guide Lantern to counter it, but this has yet been confirmed.