Magic: The Gathering Enthusiast, Sensing Nearby Mate, Sprouts Colorful Plumage of Alpha Basics
PORTLAND, O.R. — Local Magic: The Gathering pro Jeremy Wells reportedly sprouted a vibrant plumage of Alpha basic lands upon…
2024
“Mhm. Okay. Yup.” EDH Newcomer Just Going To Pretend They Understood All That
AUSTIN, TX — During a local Commander night, newcomer Tracy Goldman reportedly spent an entire evening masquerading as an experienced…
So Sweet: MTG Veteran Seen Regurgitating Partially Digested Starter Deck Into Newcomer’s Mouth
BOISE, I.D. — In a heartwarming display of mentorship and community spirit, local Magic: The Gathering veteran Jake Phillips was…
All MTG Mechanics are Kicker? What About The One That Directs Me to Throw a Hysterical Fit?
BALTIMORE, Md. – Local Magic: The Gathering player, Alex Henderson’s recent rant about how every MTG mechanic is just a…
Russian Forces Flee After Gargantuan Carly Mazur Faithless Looting Begins its Advance
DONETSK, Ukraine — Russian forces reportedly fled in terror after Ukraine’s giant Mazur Faithless Looting began its slow advance into…
In Response to High Demand, Wizards of the Coast Ups Production of Secret Lair x Dungeons & Dragons to Twenty-Eight Whole Units
RENTON, W.A. — Amidst the surge in demand, described as “completely foreseeable by literally everyone,” Wizards of the Coast has…
Rizz Check: How the Ability to Concisely Explain Horsemanship Can Make You Instantly Fuckable
ST. PAUL, Minn. — A recent study suggests that a person’s desirability can be attributed directly to their ability to…
Money? Husband Clarifies Couple’s 401k Refers to the Number of Magic: The Gathering Cards in His Collection
PITTSBURGH, Pa. – Former husband, Mark Stevens made an off-hand comment about the couple’s finances during a recent therapy session…
“I Block With These Lands” and Other Ways to Finally Beat Your Little Cousins at Magic: The Gathering
GLENDALE, AZ – In a desperate bid to reclaim dominance at the family game table, local woman Dana Thompson has…
Second Dinner Announce Dan Hipp Variants Can Now Only Be Enjoyed Ironically
Marvel Snap developer, Second Dinner, announced today that all Dan Hipp variants available in-game are now objectively bad and can…