As Thanksgiving approaches, families across the nation are preparing for the usual traditions: turkey, pumpkin pie, and in the Johnson household, Grandpa Ed’s annual speech lamenting the ‘softness’ of modern children.
Every year, as the family gathers around the dinner table, laden with Grandma’s famous stuffing and Aunt Mabel’s questionable Jell-O salad, Grandpa Ed clears his throat. The room falls silent, the younger cousins exchange nervous glances, and the adults brace themselves for what has become an inevitable part of the Johnson Thanksgiving experience.
Grandpa Ed, a spry 78-year-old with a penchant for nostalgia and a distrust of anything invented after the rotary phone, launches into his well-rehearsed monologue. “Kids these days,” he begins, his voice ringing with the authority of someone who has seen it all, “they’re like marshmallows. Soft, squishy, and they melt at the first sign of heat! They couldn’t handle a bosom like your grandma’s.”
He cites numerous examples to back his claim: kids who can’t read maps, teenagers who’ve never mowed a lawn, and the alarming number of young people who think TikTok is a career path. “In my day we didn’t have time to be soft! We were too busy fending off feral dogs,” he said, punching the air.
As Grandpa Ed reaches the crescendo of his speech, the family’s reactions range from suppressed chuckles to resigned eye rolls. Uncle Bob tries to change the subject, but Grandpa is undeterred, launching into a clearly unwanted wrestling match with 16-year old cousin Billy whose parents do nothing more than loft an uncomfortable, “oh, grandpa”.