In a stunning turn of events, pop diva Mariah Carey has announced that the person she famously sings about wanting for Christmas is, in fact, a figment of her imagination. But she didn’t stop there – in a twist that has left the world reeling, Carey also declared that none of us exist either.
During a recent press conference, Carey, draped in tinsel and holiday cheer, dropped the bombshell. “You know that person I’ve been singing about wanting for Christmas all these years? Totally made up. And while we’re at it, let’s face it, none of us are real either,” she said, sipping a cup of hot cocoa that may or may not have been there.
The revelation has sent shockwaves through the fan community, with many questioning their own existence. “I’ve spent every Christmas since 1994 trying to be the one Mariah wants,” said long-time fan Chris Smith. “Now I’m not sure if I’m real or just part of her extended holiday fantasy. I tried to put my mind at ease with some research on whether or not she’s right, and according to quantum physicists she may be, in fact, correct.”
Scientists begrudgingly supported Carey’s claims. “As much as it pains me to say it, I agree with Ms. Carey,” stated Dr. Ima Notreal, a professor of quantum studies at CSUN. “All matter is merely probability until it’s observed. Which is to say, in short, that if we all stop listening to her god damned song it too should cease to exist.”
As the holiday season approaches, fans around the globe are left wondering if they’re merely figments of Mariah Carey’s festive imagination. “If Mariah says I don’t exist, who am I to argue?” pondered one possibly imaginary person. “But I’ll still be blasting ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ – real or not, that song is a bop.”