Local parents Bobby and Shelly McLaune discovered their son Billy dabbling with Magic: The Gathering and decided to intervene by suggesting he start smoking a bunch of weed instead.
“I found booster wrappers in his room,” said Shelly. “You never think it’s going to be your kid. You hear the stories. Endless Secret Lairs inundating your mailbox. Shelves lined with plastic deck boxes containing hundreds of dollar’s worth of cards they’ll use once before deciding to buy more. I thought that maybe he was holding them for a friend but after talking it over with my husband he convinced me I was in denial about the whole thing.”
Bobby confronted his son, offering him a glimpse at the grim future he might face if he continued down his path.
“We had no idea how bad it was until we found his boxes of bulk. God knows how long he’d been cracking packs. We knew we had to act. One Friday night before he left for ‘a friend’s house,’ we confronted him, explaining we knew he was headed to FNM. We explained we weren’t mad at him and that these sorts of things were common with kids his age. Talk about deer in the headlights. We showed him pictures of other kids who grew up playing MTG. Asked him if that’s how he wanted to look in five years. We explained what it would do to his hygiene and how once he got a taste of cards it would be a gateway to things like Pokémon TCG, Lorcana, and Flesh and Blood. I thought he’d listen to reason.”
Despite their best intentions, Billy ultimately rejected his parents’ suggestions.
“Mom and Dad explained that if I was going to spend a crap ton of money seeking a false sense of accomplishment that it would be a lot quicker and cheaper to just start smoking weed,” said Billy. “They showed me a bunch of different pipes and bongs. Said I could sneak a vape pen into school a lot easier than a commander deck and playmat. Kept going on and on about how girls would like me a lot more if they knew I had drugs in my backpack instead of a Modern deck. I get that they’re concerned about me, but it’s my life and I’m not about to change who I am just to put their minds at ease.”
At time of press the parents of Billy McLaune were seen shrink wrapping a set booster box containing an ounce of dank with plans to swap it out for the real thing.