In a humiliating turn of events that’s rattled the ego of Magic: The Gathering players everywhere, a sentient Magic card expressed its blatant disapproval by opting to mulligan down to six, following the unfortunate draw of one player’s “utterly useless ass.”
The unprecedented incident unfolded at a local game store’s Friday Night Magic. Eyewitnesses were aghast as the Magic card, a renowned Black Lotus with an apparent sentience, drew the life essence of local player, Todd “Topdeck” Turner, and immediately grimaced with palpable disdain.
“It was surreal,” recounted fellow player and bystander, Rita Shufflethrough. “Black Lotus just sort of pulsated with this…this disappointment and then, I kid you not, yeeted Todd’s spiritual embodiment right back into the deck.”
Spectators watched, a mix of horror and stifled laughter marking their faces, as the incorporeal form of Todd, notoriously known for his consistently poor plays and ill-timed bathroom breaks, was reshuffled into the library. The Black Lotus then proceeded with the mulligan, clearly preferring a hand without Todd’s lackluster gaming strategies.
“Todd’s just standing there, gaping, while his astral form is getting the ultimate rejection,” commented store owner, Gary Manafield. “I mean, we all felt it on some level, sure, but to have a Magic card confirm your uselessness? Brutal.”
The Magic community has since been abuzz with debates and memes, questioning what it means for the game when even the cards themselves are making judgment calls on player skill. Meanwhile, Todd has reportedly been seen in intense strategy discussions with a Thragtusk and considering a rigorous training montage.
Wizards of the Coast has not officially commented on whether sentient Magic cards will be a new feature of gameplay or if players worldwide should start preparing their feelings for potential mulligans from their favorite decks.
As for Black Lotus, sources confirm it seemed much more content post-mulligan, though it did send a quick, scathing glance at a nearby Yu-Gi-Oh! match before shimmering with a satisfied glow.