Emerging from a marathon 400-hour session of Cyberpunk 2077, local gamer Jamie Thompson startled friends and family by donning toasters as gloves and adopting the vernacular of the game, addressing everyone as “choom.”
Jamie’s mother, Sally Thompson, shared her bafflement: “Jamie is convinced the toasters are cybernetic ‘upgrades’ and refuses to remove them. I’ve weathered various phases, but ‘toaster hands’ is new. It’s bizarre, yes, but less concerning than her past TikTok-inspired desire to file down her teeth.”
However, Sally’s amusement turned to alarm as Jamie’s antics escalated. “Initially, it was odd but harmless. Things took a turn when she swallowed an Airtag, seeking ‘new chrome’ at a ‘ripperdock.’ I briefly celebrated the return of our toasters when she switched to attaching knives to her arms with duct tape. Now, I find myself wishing for the toaster gloves again, a sentence I never anticipated uttering.”
Jamie’s friends are equally perplexed, struggling to navigate her newfound jargon. “She’s started throwing around terms like we’re fellow Cyberpunk enthusiasts. It’s disorienting,” remarked a close friend. “I’m concerned she might be on something, which, as her best friend is really upsetting since she isn’t sharing. The toaster gloves and knife augmentation are strange, but this is someone who once wore a loincloth and bucket on her head to school, demanding teachers to ‘let me solo her.’ Interpreting her actions is an ongoing challenge.”
At time of press, witnesses report Thompson was trying to jump over cars in order to cross the street, leaving the community concerned for her safety and well-being.