Wizards of the Coast has announced that they will be replacing all human judges at events with anthropomorphic versions of their products, which will incessantly moan at players until they relent and make a purchase.
The announcement comes hot on the heels of WotC deciding not to renew their contract with Judge Academy, stating that “anthropomorphic cards are simply more in line with our current business model and aesthetic. For anyone who thinks we’re more concerned selling cards than playing an actual game with them… well…”
These oversized cards, deployed at tournaments, are trained to moan phrases such as “Buy meeee,” while complimenting the size and girth of a player’s deck. “Wizards of the Coast has always been at the forefront of innovation in the gaming industry,” said WotC spokesperson, Sam Smithers. “Our recent survey showed an overwhelming number of people who, given the ability to, would choose to fuck their cards. We’re taking fan feedback seriously and responding in kind. See, Magic: The Gathering is sexy, Beth!”
Players have met the Judge Academy announcement with a mixture of disbelief and resigned acceptance, recognizing that moaning cards instead of judges are the new norm. Though most agree the change is worse for everyone, it does come with some unexpected surprises.
“It’s definitely annoying,” said long-time player, Drew Carson. “Who is going to solve rule disputes? Are these cards trained to anything but sell a Secret Lair? As much as this sucks, I didn’t expect it to awaken anything inside me. I’m not a furry or anything but I have this overwhelming desire to fuck my Magic collection. Like, consensually, of course. I don’t think a Magic card can get pregnant right? Like, I wouldn’t create a card-human hybrid baby by raw-dogging Muldrotha, would I? If only there was a judge to ask…”
In related news, WotC has also announced that they will be replacing all customer service reps with anthropomorphic versions of their most expensive cards, which will laugh and hang up when asked about reprints.