The world of Magic: The Gathering is once again in a state of upheaval after the card game’s celebrity Post-er boy shocks the secondary market by buying a single copy of Selfless Glyphweaver for like fifteen cents.
“I saw the order come through and couldn’t believe what I saw,” said Mike Chinskey, owner of Secondary Stuff, a seller on TCGplayer. “People put stupid names on their shipping addresses often, but I am a huge fan and part-time stalker of Post Malone so I know it was his home address. What a trip! Yeah, it was just fifteen cents, but he paid like $8.00 for shipping. Man, I love living a vicariously wealthy lifestyle.”
Fans of Magic: The Gathering and Post Malone reacted to the news.
“He’s done it again!” exclaimed Peter Glisson, MTG enthusiast. “Post Malone has done so much for Magic: The Gathering, between being famous and liking the same card game I do. He’s got the magic touch if you’ll pardon my pun. He turned The One Ring from abhorrent due to its inherent greed to internet sensation just because he bought it for the price of three quarters of a house. Crazy. And now he’s out here buying a uh . . . Selfless Glyphweaver // Deadly Vanity? I mean it’s a trash rare, but I bet the price goes up at least a dollar. He’s gotta know something the rest of us don’t. What with all that money.”
While Post Malone is clearly a good guy and doing what he pleases with his own money, some people have a sworn duty to shit on just about everything. Like this guy.
“It’s clearly a way to save face among the community,” said detractor and all-around bummer of a guy Shawn Detre. “No one uses that card, so he’s obviously sending a message. ‘Look! I am just like you, only able to afford garbage cards that cost a nickel.’ Anyone who can’t see through this facade might as well go make a coat or something because they’re god damn sheep. All these idiot Magic players and their worthless idol worship. If I had expendable income, I would choose philanthropy instead of indulging in sins of the flesh. I mean, I do have expendable income now, and don’t give it away, but if I had a lot more money I totally would. Probably.”
In other news celebrities everywhere are actively avoiding mentioning Magic: The Gathering in public due to the fear Wizards of the Coast will throw them in the same locked room where they’re keeping Post Malone.