JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Mary Simmons—mail carrier for habitual card shopper Gerald Emery—noticed a concerning amount of packages from a variety of shops whose monikers share a penchant for trading card game puns.
“Gary,” said Simmons with an exacerbated sigh as she shoved six different bubble mailers into the thin mail slot at Emery’s home. “I keep talking with him about this. He knows it’s wrong. I know it’s wrong. So many people in this world have problems and too few have the courage to acknowledge them. That’s why it’s so sad to see a man like Gary, kind to his core, understand his problems but isn’t willing to take the first step to fix it.”
Eventually, Simmons decided to confront Emery in the hopes of it would be the catalyst for change.
“I told Gary, I know what’s in here,” said Simmons. “I’ve handled enough packages in my day to tell you with decent accuracy what’s inside. Yes, go ahead and get the dick jokes out of your system. Better? Good. I love Gary and can tell when the man needs some guidance. So, I told him if he keeps buying sealed product, I’m going to take him off my route. Bundles of all things, too! Can you believe it? Bundles.”
Though she finally convinced Emery singles were the most cost-efficient way to build decks and a collection, it was clear Simmons’ work was just beginning.
“I keep telling him,” Simmons continued, “all you have to do is click on optimize on TCGplayer and it will help you ship your cards in the fewest packages possible. Do you know how many more cards he could have for the amount he pays for shipping from all these different sellers? Do you know how hard it is to keep track of multiple commander decks’ worth of cards when you have orders in at seventeen different sellers? I hope Gary has a spreadsheet ready.”
At time of press, Emery’s friends became involved, holding an intervention to explain how his failure to pause after casting spells when his opponents clearly have open mana was tearing their friendships apart.