WARSAW, N.Y. — Molly Shanta became concerned after discovering her new boyfriend’s dismal amount of clean, intact underwear despite owning a plethora of pristine commander decks.
“I kept telling myself Brad was too good to be true,” said Shanta. “Mid-thirties, no failed marriages, no children, a stable job, and single? I thought I might be on a prank YouTube channel and Brad would reveal himself to be gay or a pack of gerbils wearing a boyfriend suit. Even though he wasn’t those things and there were no cameras—though I’m secretly bummed it wasn’t the gerbils—I noticed things. Like, when I caught him turning an obviously dirty sock inside out before putting it on.”
Shanta continued to notice other clues that Brad was, in fact, grubby as all hell.
“That’s when I noticed the other things. Granted, it’s likely I didn’t want to see them. It was easier to keep Brad up on a pedestal, so my subconscious blinded me to his flags so red they made Ronald McDonald’s color pallet look like the interior of a mid-70’s station wagon. He owned an alarming three pairs of underwear, but worse, if you combined the remaining fabric on each it wouldn’t be enough to make a single thong. At a certain point you’re just wearing an elastic band under your pants, Brad.”
Despite the outward normalcy, Brad’s attention had been focused entirely on the wrong things.
“Now, I get that money is tight for a lot of people and if that was the case, I could have worked out a gofundme for some drawers. But it wasn’t money. The man had multiple shelves in his house dedicated to his fifty-seven commander decks. Was it too much to hope that at least one of the twenty packages of cards he’d received had been new underwear? I suggested tighty-whities with mana symbols, or boxers with Teferi’s staff sticking out of the dick-flap. You know. Compromise. In the end, he kept showing me the borderless foils he could get for the same price as a three-pack of Fruit of the Loom.”
Shanta told reporters that they remained a couple, but she eventually called it off after discovering the monthly ratio of Brad’s baths to commander nights was 1:8.