CHICAGO, Ill. — James Parish, down on his luck yet again, told reporters he’d hit a new low, chalking it up to being dealt a bad hand in life. Though true, his hand was far worse than he expected; when God drew for Parish, He mulled to four and still had no lands.
“It was a tough decision,” said God, 68. “I had no lands, but the four spells in my hand were on curve, meaning if I hit my land drops James might have a chance. If I went down to three cards, I might have drawn a land, sure, but I was on the play. I might be known for making brash choices but wanted to play a little conservatively on behalf of James as I’d already drawn a “kinda smart” card even though I was holding “ugly” and “Alabama” in hand. Those two tend to appear in tandem frequently.”
God went on to explain why, if he’s all powerful, that anyone would get a bad hand in the first place.
“I get this question a lot. It’s one of the reasons I love Magic: The Gathering so much. As people become accustomed to the game, they learn that sometimes things just don’t go your way, even if you do everything right. However, they quickly realize that getting flooded is part of what makes the game so special. I may have taken that idea too literally that one time . . . sorry about that. Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes. Though hands may suck at first people realize that good decisions can make all the difference, turning a bad opening hand into a win. It’s an uphill battle, to be sure. But it makes victory all the sweeter. Besides, if every opening hand was a nut draw the game would get stale quickly.”
In the end, God top-decked like shit and Parish’s life ended up pretty miserable.
“I did what I could. I’m proud to say he made it out of Alabama, and though he ended up in jail due to drawing a ‘greedy/lazy’ combo his ‘kinda smart’ got him out on parole early. It was the best I could do as I kept top-decking things like ‘shameless, rude, basket weaving, and of course, ‘Republican’, since a bunch of those were added to his deck due to the ‘Alabama’ card in my opening hand. I really hoped he could do something with basket weaving, but the odds were already stacked against him.”
At time of press God was seen opening another booster pack which contained yet another variant for COVID.