Wizards of the Coast’s latest customer satisfaction survey attempted to ascertain if they’ve been screwing up as of late by asking about things like the latest release, Commander Masters, but were also curious which, if any of their player base would, hypothetically speaking, be into the idea of fucking the cards.
“I was more than happy to fill out their stupid survey since I was so gosh darn mad about how expensive that stupid Commander Masters set was and how I hated all the cards,” said MTG enthusiast Simon Biltrix. “I was a Jackson Pollock of negative answers: 1 out of 10, didn’t enjoy, highly disagree. The works. In between clicks I imagined quite vividly how my answers were going to upset everyone at Wizards. The face of that one guy reading it. Lamenting at how awful and wrong they were. I would pay to see their faces when they discovered everyone else hated everything about everything too. So satisfying.”
Toward the end of the survery one question gave Biltrix pause.
“I was about to answer the obvious, ‘No, never, not in a million years,’ when I accidentally read the question I was giving feedback on. It said something along the lines of, ‘We know it’s a long shot, and of course you’re going to say no, I mean who wouldn’t, but like maybe, just maybe, if the circumstances were right and you’d be willing, is there any chance, hypothetically speaking of course, you’d be into the idea of having sexual intercourse with Magic: The Gathering cards?’ Of course, I said no, but now I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Marketing experts lauded the brilliance of this one simple question.
“If it’s one thing Wizards of the Coast excels at, is creating an air of desirability. After Post Malone spent $2.6 million on a cardboard rectangle, they’re obviously curious how much more desirable they can make their product. Knowing if people are willing to clap the cheeks of their favorite playing cards is valuable data that can then be used to create newer, more fuckable, products. Even those who aren’t into the idea will absolutely think about the logistics of how something like that could even happen. Aren’t you? That in itself is what marketing is all about.”