LUBBOCK, Texas — With the introduction of cerealized cards alongside the release of The Brothers’ War, players had the opportunity to enjoy their cards dry right out of the box, or in a bowl with some milk. Since then, reports have been coming in that despite their name, cerealized cards become worthless once they’re drowned in milk.
“I mean, what’s the point?” asked Jake Wilmington. “Everywhere I looked on MTG socials people were bragging whenever they pulled something cerealized. It motivated me to start buying paper MTG products because of the sudden, overwhelming fear that I was missing out. After spending a ton of money on set boosters I finally opened a cerealized Wurmcoil Engine. Of course, the first thing I did was grab a bowl and pour milk all over it. When I posted it on r/magicTCG people asked me why I decided to ruin a $1000 card.”
Confused, Wilmington took to the internet to find out what he’d done wrong.
“I was laughed out of every forum I posted in and every LGS I walked into. It’s a simple question, really. ‘Is an MTG card soaked in milk worth more, or less?’ I thought it was a straightforward question that asked for a simple answer. These MTG nerds always think they’re better than everyone else, but I bet plenty of other people had the same questions when they milked their cerealized cards for the first time. The community was no help whatsoever and I still don’t know what I did wrong. Maybe it was because I used two-percent milk instead of whole? Maybe that’s what the number on the card signifies…”
Others report either waiting to milk their cerealized cards or abstaining indefinitely.
“I thought about it, but I’m lactose intolerant,” said Michelle Furgus. “A few times I considered using a dairy-free alternative such as almond or oat milk. I still might, but you know how these things go. Magic cards always increase in value over time so it’s best to hold off on doing anything with them as long as possible. Besides, I don’t think anyone has determined if milked cards have a different value than unmilked ones. Despite this, I’m going to hold off. Collectors usually want pristine condition, like action figures still in the box. I bet whoever buys my cerealized cards is going to want to milk them themselves.”
Though the consensus remains that milked cerealized cards do lose substantial value, it’s been reported that Post Malone’s cerealized “The One Ring” is still super valuable despite floating in a vial of goat milk.