Hello, my name is Sheryl O’Terra and I work for the financial side of Wizards of the Coast, specifically for the Magic: The Gathering brand of products. My day is simple. I usually arrive about fifteen minutes late and browse reddit, take some Insta-selfies at my desk, and occasionally set MTG prices by typing random numbers into that program-thing whenever Mr. Dillard walks by.
Now you might be thinking, “Sheryl, if they’re paying you to do a job you should probably do it. Or at least pay attention to the keys you’re pressing on the keyboard.” Just relax, okay? I took this job because I was bored, not because I needed the money. That way if I get fired it’s not like I have anything to worry about. Besides when they hired me, they basically said that the prices I set aren’t a big deal. All that stuff is going to be bought anyway, whatever it is. I’m not even sure what we’re selling to begin with. Something to do with Harry Potter, I think. Doesn’t matter. Even if the price is too high and we don’t sell enough we’ll just dump them on Amazon for dirt cheap.
Though, now that I think about it, I really don’t want to lose this job. I’ve never had more fun in my life. I’ve always loved games, and besides playing them on my work computer to kill time before lunch, I get to play the best game of all: pretending to work. People don’t respect the level of skill it takes to be fully engrossed in a Netflix documentary about a fictional photographer on a quest to discover themselves spiritually while simultaneously playing Cookie Clicker and maintaining a level of awareness to switch back to designating the price of Commander pre-cons by punching in random numbers whenever the fuzz chooses to show up.
Yeah, it’s easy to put on the “diligent employee” mask by scowling and typing random shit really fast. It’s easy to ALT + Tab, away from Twitch and my Etsy shop. But where’s the challenge in that? I take pride in working as little as possible. So, recently I challenged myself to find ways to keep my boss away from my desk in the first place. Randomly shouting, “Oh god, my ass! Ow!” and farting loudly will give me a good twenty minutes to finish that conversation in Baldur’s Gate 3. I remember back in the day I used to be able to mail myself talcum powder in envelopes and shout “I wonder if this is anthrax?” while dumping it on my desk. I got a whole day off for that! I mean, yeah, I had to switch jobs because of it, but then I would never have come here.
Recently the most effective way I’ve been able to keep Mr. Dillard from walking by my desk is to engage him in a heated discussion about how we might be able to lower prices on Magic: The Gathering products. Last week I offered a detailed, fifteen-page plan to lower costs in production and labor to pass the savings onto fans. You should have seen the look on his face. I didn’t see him again for six days! Six! Do you know how little I can accomplish with six whole days? Honestly, I’ve felt so satisfied before. Who knew working hard to not work could be so fulfilling? It’s the best kind of work you can do if you ask me.