SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Remus Burrough, armed with his Nethroi, Apex of Death commander deck, sat down for a casual game of commander at Anime Imports Thursday evening. Sources confirmed whenever Burrough returned a creature to the battlefield from the graveyard he would mutter, “Just like Jesus”.
“I didn’t really care at first,” said Bill Wilkins, one of the members of Burrough’s pod of randoms last Thursday. “Most of us laughed the first time he said it. But he kind of just glared at everyone like we’d slapped his dog. When you show up to an LGS to play with random people you end up with all sorts, so I get it. Kinda. Some people take commander very seriously,” Wilkins shrugged. “Had it ended there it would be one thing. Apparently that guy was just getting started.”
Throughout the game Burrough continued to proffer theological comparisons to various facets of the game.
“When I chumped with my Solemn Simulacrum Burrough was quick to remind me that he ‘wasn’t saved and would be going to hell,'” said Peter Ronan, a friend of Wilkins. “He took out some Tupperware and filled it with water, asking if I wanted to baptize at instant speed. He acted like that was a thing the people do. Even had a sandwich bag available so the card wouldn’t get ruined. Honestly, I let him because I thought I might need his help dealing with Bill’s Sun Titan later. It was clear Burrough thought that card was about as blasphemous as they come.”
As awkward as the situation was, the pod wasn’t about to let the opportunity for a little fun of their own slip by.
“Burrough tried to mutate his commander onto a Necropanther so James asked if they were to be married. Burrough looked dumbfounded at first, but quickly agreed. We had a nice little ceremony. Music and everything. By now other pods were looking on wondering what the hell was going on. When the ceremony concluded, I cried a little, saying how nice it was for two male cats to mutate into each other. He looked shocked then cast Path to Exile on his own Necropanther, muttering something about needing a land.”
Before leaving, Burrough threw his commander deck into the trash after someone in the pod casually mentioned that “Jesus should be the only commander anyone needs”. Though he’s given up playing Magic: The Gathering, Burrough continues to try and ruin it for everyone, taking a position in the Facebook group dedicated to redefining a countered creature as being destroyed since “a creature’s life begins on the stack”.