BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local Magic: The Gathering enthusiast Sufyan Diaz and his brand-new foiled out pre-modern deck are headed to the local game store. Due to weeks of overthinking—and some really gross assumptions—Diaz decided to go ahead and put the condom on now.
“This deck is comprised of foils from an era when foils actually meant something,” said Diaz, shifting in his seat. “These days, if you want a foil you just go online request curled cards at checkout. But this pre-modern deck has all foil original printings. It’s true to the spirit of the format. My opponents should feel lucky. It’s going to be pretty distracting when the ladies are pawing at me after getting a glimpse of my deck. If you thought my last deck of all signed cards was cool, just wait.”
Diaz went into detail about his expectations for his arrival .
“I called ahead and asked if the LGS does entry music. They didn’t know what I was asking, even after I explained. I stopped at a Best Buy to grab a portable Bluetooth speaker instead. It’s going to be real tight when I walk in, strutting along to Limp Bizkit’s song “Break Stuff”. I’m a little disappointed that everyone I asked to film the entrance declined. No worries, though. I’m going to set up a tripod for next time.”
LGS owner Jaidon Good recalled the moment Diaz arrived.
“He slapped down a hundred-dollar bill,” Good said. “He kept looking around. I guess expecting some kind of reaction from the other guy in the store looking at Warhammer 40k minis. He tried to pay the $5.00 buy-in with a $100 bill. I told him to just keep it. I didn’t have change for it anyway. He was the first one there and I didn’t expect the event to fire anyway. Turns out I was right. The guy I was running for the event for and the hundred-dollar bill guy just played a few games then left.”
At time of press sources confirmed that Diaz’s opponent only stayed for a couple games due to being weirded out by Diaz narrating every play to a camera he set up to film, and shouting his catch-phrase “Bashanka!” every time he dealt damage.