During the era of celebrity worship, Wizards of the Coast has been latching onto every B-list celebrity who plays the beloved card game. All that changed after it was discovered megastar Post Malone is an avid MTG player, turning the rapper into the card-game’s Posty-boy. Now, after comedy duo Key & Peele mentioned Magic: The Gathering, they’ve been thrown into the same locked room where WotC is keeping Post Malone.
“They come twice a day,” said a somber Jordan Peele over static in the landline. “Each has a mask with a different mana symbol, like Squid Game but stupid. They ask again. ‘Will you be on Game Knights?’ Every refusal results in less rations. I don’t mind since they’re feeding us ground up basics mixed with water. When I complained they gave me hot sauce which was pretty racist.
“Earlier today they came to get Posty for his daily reminder that he plays Magic: The Gathering. I told them we mentioned Magic: The Gathering as a joke. It’s literally what we do. Rather than listening they show us mockup after mockup of cards featuring Michael and I. I don’t know why anyone would want a Magic: The Gathering card of Hingle McCringleberry. I mean … actually now that I think about it, yeah that shit’s funny as hell, and I would totally buy one. And I don’t even play. These ground up basic lands in water are starting to taste pretty good, especially with that hot sauce.”
“I don’t know how they broke Jordan,” Keegan-Michael Key said. “We’ve only been here for two days. This man went from mentioning a homunculus once to eating the damn cards and asking for more. I told him they’re just words and pictures on cardboard, man. Come on. Why would anyone spend money on something you can just print out at work?
“Posty is in here just smiling at the wall and only says ‘brrr’ when I engage him. They keep coming by and asking me to call them A-A-ron. This shit ain’t right. Yesterday they brought in a TV and have been trying to indoctrinate me by playing these community college videos for 12 hours straight. Well, it’s not going to work. Many Magic: The Gathering players ask the question, ‘When will I get out of here?'”
While the interview was cut short due to their required Scryfall reading, rumors show that Jordan Peele has agreed to man the ballpit at Magic 30. Keegan-Michael Key’s third attempt at escape was eventually successful but has since been spotted playing in several Modern tournaments.